The Bottom Line

The Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3) officially began May 9th and lasted until the 12th. The Los Angeles Convention Center, a structure over 540,000 square feet, is usually packed with fans and developers as the new video games of 2006 are unveiled. Naturally, hardcore fans and people in the Los Angeles area tend to make up a majority of the E3 attendees. The rest of us gamers, however, are left sitting at home or in our dorms reading previews and reviews on the Internet. Where is the justice you ask? Well, there is none, but instead of crying about why you can't go to E3, let's discuss why you shouldn't go to E3.

I, like many gamers, was reading previews on the newest games shown at E3. After a short time browsing through the updates, I found a short video-blog posted by Masoumi, a regular video blogger on GameSpot. In his blog he explains the top ten reasons why you wouldn't want to go to E3.

Reason 10: "Nerd Sweat." Any gamer knows what this smell is like. In the blog, Masoumi describes this smell as being "a salty, warm smell, mixed with body odor." Let's face it, even with 540,000 square feet, the smell is going to be unbearable at times. Imagine yourself in a room with no windows, no air conditioner, and no fans. Now, in that room are eight Dance Dance Revolution pads with a person dancing on each. If you aren't dead after an hour then you aren't human.

Reason 9: "Lines." Hey, finally something that everyone can relate to! Every person has had at least one bad experience while waiting in lines. Some of the most common places we encounter these catalysts of evil are at the bank, movie theatre, and amusement parks. Even though there aren't rides at E3, there are long lines of nerds waiting to play the beta versions of their newest role-playing games. So now, you are standing in a line and are surrounded by "nerd sweat."

Reason 8: "Booth Babes Don't Like You." Every time you see something on television about E3, there are almost undoubtedly female models wearing little to nothing. Sometimes they are even dressed in the style of whatever video game they are advertising. Even if they are nice to look at, the fact of the matter is this: Almost all of them don't play video games and they don't like gamers.

Reason 7: "Nintendo Wii." People are tired of hearing Wii jokes and are generally over the fact that it's a weird name, right? Well, imagine a 540,000 square foot building filled with people who aren't.

Reason 6: "Walking." Gamers don't want to walk to play their video games. We enjoy sitting and playing and that's =all there is to it.

Reason 5: "No New Monkey Island Games." The reasoning is if there aren't any new Monkey Island games coming out, what's the point?

Reason 4: "Adult Nerds are Dangerous." Slightly overweight, balding adult nerds are insane and dangerous. Why put yourself in jeopardy?

Reason 3: "Noise." Gamers like to play games in peace in quiet. We enjoy not being disturbed when we play and anyone who has been around while I was playing will understand. So even if you get to test out that alpha or beta version of that game you won't be able to hear it.

Reason 2: "Trailers like KillZone 2." Gamers like CG movies, but we all know that's not what the games look like. "That's great, that's wonder. How about showing me what the game looks like, thank you," said Masoumi.

Reason 1: "Jay Allard." The Xbox video game spokesperson causes a lot of hatred among gamers. "I hate that guy; I hate him. I don't know why; maybe it is because he's bald. I hate the way he talks; I hate the clothes he wears; he's a jerk," confesses Masoumi.

Some of his reasoning might be a bit off, but Masoumi has made me see the light. Suddenly, my computer chair at home is looking like a really nice play to be compared to E3. GG.

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